Prisoner and guard
A prayer for conflicting feelings, for when your ankle bracelet anxiously beeps as you inch closer to liberation.
Being around her, the saddest parts of me awaken
Rub their eyes
Emerge
Lore and longing
She just has to sit there ,
smile erased
sighs aloud
history replays
Just sit there
that is all she has to do to wake up parts of me I lullabied to sleep
Tears jerk off my face
even my tears want to over perform
maybe even my sorrow, aims to overachieve
Don’t know what that means
but I feel this part of me coming to
like a distant, but real, sensation of our 90’s carpeted floor under my my feet
in between my toes
Carpet burns on my knees
Playing around pretending to be monsters, aliens, and enemies.
She just has to be there
and what is not here becomes thick and clear
The space formed of absence
"Negative space"
The space happiness could occupy
is never just empty.
It is like a kid that went missing
search parties
posters
rewards
but nothing can bring them back
The space happiness could occupy
is not just empty
It is the felt outline of a life un-lived
Her outline
Voluptuous
Overindulged
Thick
Heavy
She sits
rarely gets off my chest
Tears move her
Sickness moves her
Disasters maybe
But not dance
not play
Never to leave the corporeal prison of which she ails
although the key sits there in between the skin folds of her neck and chest
Heavy breathing
Victims weaving
All together in sync
Crocheting dream bits, and hope kernels into a net
Into black gloves to wear to funerals
Because god forbid we touch life, or worse: touch death
God forbid, we touch.
knit knots into a net,
head down,
needles from other victims poking at your sides
Our necks wilted
God forget we forbid
Our sadness quilted
God forbid we forget
Forbid them from dance
For it will lure the eyes
Forbid them from love
For it would upset the gods
Forbid them from loud laughter
else you appear unwell
Forbid thighs from parting
for sitting or sexting
All in a bid, an exchange of life safe and guarded but in her panopticon
She just has to sit there and am back in the cell.
No corner of my mind safe from her guard
I cant even hide under the bed
She just has to sit there.
but god does she make me so happy.
So happy with her just. Sitting. There.
Amen
Amma